Caregiver Chronicles: When Sam Couldn't Stay and I Had to Say Goodbye

A lot can change in three weeks, and it did. Sam could stand with assistance, take a few steps with his walker over to his recliner, enjoy Wheel of Fortune, and go to church when I left. He could still dress himself with a little help, and boss me around like an expert. He could eat three meals a day and enjoy a morning cup of coffee.

The day I left him at Sanctuary Hospice House for respite, we rolled him to his room. He was too tired to sit up, he told us, and wanted to lie down. In that moment, I knew I'd never take him home. 

"You better eat while I'm gone. If you don't, you're gonna be too weak to go home," I told him. "I'm gonna be upset with you if you go on a hunger strike." 

Sam gave me a tired smile. "I'll do the best I can," he promised.

The hospice personnel kept me informed with updates that steadily broke my heart. He wasn't eating. He was losing weight. Less responsive. Not swallowing water.

The hardest thing I ever did was stay in place 6,000 miles away while Sam drifted toward eternity. I sure hope the three week long sacrifice was worth it. 

Ryan, my son, loved Sam with all his heart. He drove from Atlanta and spent several days with him, hoping to help him hang on. Sam rallied remarkably, and they had one good day out of the four he was here. Ryan dressed him, drank coffee with him, and spent time with him. 

It was the last time Ryan would ever see Sam alive. I'm so grateful for the few "awake" hours they had together. 

My friends and church family visited Sam often, and tried to prepare me. "Sam looks terrible," they told me. "He's at death's door." 

When I arrived, the nurses tried to prepare me, too. "He hasn't eaten more than a bite or two since Ryan left. He won't drink at all. He looks bad."

I've seen a lot of sick people in my almost thirty-year career as a physician, but I couldn't have anticipated the reality of seeing someone I love so very near death. Mere hours after my return home, I stood at his bedside, choked back tears, and turned to the nurses. "I'm not gonna be able to take him home, am I?" I asked. They shook their heads and I saw tears glisten in their eyes, too.

A part of me thought I could will Sam to come back from the valley of the shadow of death, but it was a false hope born of desperation. Over the weekend, I read most of the New Testament, Isaiah, and the Psalms to Sam. I sang hymns. I prayed. I begged. 

Sam's relentless trek toward heaven would not be slowed. In the depths of my heart, I didn't want him to be delayed, but I didn't want to let go, either. By Sunday afternoon, I reeled from lack of sleep, and finally went home to rest for a while. I needed those few hours to make it through the next two days.

Yesterday afternoon, I had just returned to his room when his breathing changed. I sat at his bedside, my two dogs curled up at his feet, and thanked him for all the good he'd done. For loving my son, being willing to try all the crazy schemes I cooked up, for protecting me, teaching me so much about gardening, livestock, and the land. For teaching me to shoot a gun, set a trot line, and how to catch two fish with a single cast. . .

His periods of apnea steadily increased until his breathing finally stopped. At 4:55 pm, Sam stepped from this world into the wonder and beauty of eternity. He shed the frail body that had encased his soul for eighty-seven years as he did. He has a new body now, and white robes, and crowns he's probably already left at the feet of Jesus. He's seen our Lord, which was what he most wanted, and his baby daughter that died, and his beloved Jamie. 

I'm sure gonna miss him, but I'm comforted with the assurance that I'll see him again, as well as by the Bible passage Sam loved best:

"Let not your heart be troubled. . . In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you until myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. . . I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." John 14:1-3, 6 kjv

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Visitation is Friday, November 10th 12:30 to 2 pm with memorial service to follow in the choir room at Hope Church, Tupelo.

Sam always thought cut flowers were a waste of money, so we arranged for a special "Sam's Fund" at Global Outreach at his request. Marla Nunnelee (daughter of his long-time friend and coffee-drinking buddy, David Coleman) will administer it and use the funds where most needed. We thought about giving it a fancy name, but Sam always wanted to be "just plain Sam," so that's how we named his fund. 

In lieu of flowers, memorials can be made to "Sam Wiley Memorial Fund" by mailing your check or money order to: Global Outreach/ PO Box 1, Tupelo MS 38802. Be sure to put "Sam's Fund #5136" in the "for" line. 

The Dead-Chicken Lesson

When I went in the chicken coop to feed and gather the eggs, I noticed a big black lump in the corner. On closer inspection, I found it was my black chicken, or what was left of her. 

I didn't do an autopsy, but I did do a "limited external exam". That's doctor-speak for "I turned her over and took a closer look." There was no evidence of trauma. She'd died of natural causes (aka old age).

I gathered the eggs, took care of the carcass, and went back to the house. 

As I headed down the gravel path, I reflected on how much life has changed around here. A few years ago, Sam would've "taken care of the carcass" and told me about it later. 

This time, I was the one who told Sam the sad news. "I wonder why she died. It didn't look like anything hurt her," I said.

Sam slowly shook his head. "Well, they's death all around us with those people doing so much killing. Even chickens is subject to death."

"The ISIS people?"

"Yeah. They're killing people every day. Somebody needs to do something about them."

I, too, have concerns about the terrorism of ISIS, but I wasn't quite sure how they had anything to do with my chicken's death.

The conversation veered away from the chicken and back to ISIS. Sam had been thinking a lot about them. "You know we been killing people since we got started. First Cain killed his brother and it went down hill from there."

"Why do you think that is, Sam?"

"We won't do right." 

It was a simple, yet profound assessment. As Sam went on to say, God gave Adam and Eve a lot of freedom. There were two trees they couldn't eat from, and everything else was fair game. 

Only two simple rules. 

It should've been easy to obey, but they didn't.

Later, God gave ten rules, but we wouldn't obey them.

Jesus made two simple laws the foundation on which all His other commands would rest. Love God. Love your neighbor. So far, we haven't obeyed those too well, either.

We are sinners who won't do right, but, by the power of the redemption purchased by Christ on the cross, and the presence of the Holy Spirit at work in us, we could do better, if we were willing. 

As Sam said, there's death all around us because there's sin all in us. It doesn't have to be this way. God has a better plan for His people, if we will only obey.

Today, let's invite God to cleanse us with the blood of Jesus, fill us with His Holy Spirit, and transform us by His great power. We can live as those who've been redeemed, but only if we're willing to let Him get the sin out of us. 

Today is the day. Now is the time. 

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1 
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In case you missed it, here's the link to yesterday's post: Thoughts on Training and the Digital World

Here's the link to the world-wide prayer guide: The Prayer List
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Confessing Jesus before men: I am the resurrection and the life

And I say to you, everyone who confesses Me before men, the Son of Man will confess him also before the angels of God; but he who denies Me before men will be denied before the angels of God. (Luke 12:8-9 NASB) 

"Confess before men" is a phrase that, in Greek, means to say the same the same things about Jesus that He says about Himself. In this series, we have reviewed the I AM's, including I AM the Bread of Life, I AM the Light of the World, I AM the Door, I AM the Good Shepherd (pasture), and I AM the Good Shepherd.

Our topic for today is "I AM the Resurrection and the Life". 

I am the resurrection and the life, he who believes in Me will live even if he dies..." (John 11:25 NASB)

The context of Jesus' statement is critical for understanding. As John 11 begins, Jesus and His disciples received word that Lazarus, Jesus' dear friend, is critically ill. "This sickness is not to end in death," Jesus told them. The most important word in that sentence is end. The sickness might result in death, but it would not end in death. It was a critical distinction, but one the disciples may have missed. 

Jesus waited two days before leaving for Bethany. The disciples knew there was a plot to kill Jesus and begged Him not to go, but Jesus was adamant. "I'm going." By the time they arrived, Lazarus was already dead. Jesus had missed his chance to say goodbye, or so it seemed.

Martha charged out to greet Him, bristling with indignation. "If you had been here, my brother would not have died." Jesus assured Martha, "Your brother will rise again." Martha responded, (Leanna Paraphrase) "I know all about that, Jesus. He'll rise again in the resurrection on the last day. I want my brother now." Mary and the crowds felt the same. 

"He opened the eyes of the blind. Couldn't Jesus have prevented Lazarus' death?"

Imagine the interaction for a moment. In my mind's eye, I can see Jesus smile and give Martha a hug. "Martha, my friend," He might have said, "I AM the resurrection and the life, he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?" She nodded, "Yes, Lord. I believe you are the Christ."

Jesus could have prevented her suffering, but He did not.

If He had, Martha and the people present that day would have missed a miracle and an understanding of the most critical piece of Jesus' message. They would have been ill-prepared for the very near future. Because of Lazarus' death and the resurrection Jesus would bring, they would be ready to face Jesus' death. None of that preparation could come without the suffering of losing Lazarus.

Their pain had a point.

Jesus was heartbroken for what His friends were enduring. "Let's go to the grave," He told them. When he stood in front of the tomb, He instructed the people to "remove the stone". No one wanted to open the grave. Lazarus had been there for four days. It wouldn't be a pretty sight or smell. 

Jesus insisted and overruled the crowd. It was a good thing He did. With three words, Jesus changed the understanding of everyone present that day. "LAZARUS COME FORTH," He called. Lazarus, still wrapped in grave clothes, came forth.

What we often forget in times of heartbreak and tragedy is that the pain and suffering are never wasted. Like with Lazarus' death, the devastating loss can be used to prepare us for something that is to come. 

Without the lessons gained in sorrow, we may be ill-prepared for the next step in our journey. 

No matter what we face, the outcome is not the end, because Jesus is the resurrection and the life. When we belong to Him, the promise of our eternal destiny changes what seems like the end of hope, the end of joy, the end of life into the end of suffering and the beginning of life. When our life on earth ends, our body may be nothing more than a rotting hunk of flesh. Our soul, however, is no longer bound to this earth. We go to live with Jesus in heaven, and it is worth the journey.

Are you walking through a time of trial? Take hope. Jesus has overcome the world. He has overcome suffering, pain, death and loss. 

He may not end your pain and suffering, but He will never waste it. 

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Our Father, give us hearts of endurance to persevere through hard times and the faith the lean on you in the good times and the bad. Use our suffering to make us more like Jesus and to glorify you. In Jesus' name, Amen.